Pretty good week

It's been a pretty good week. I feel normal. I know normal is hard to describe, but it's the closest word I can use. I feel normal when my brain isn't constantly in a fog and when my tiredness is normal and doesn't feel like I'm slogging through syrup to get through my day. Normal. Just Normal. It's a very nice feeling.

I tend to pay attention more when I feel normal. I also get more done and don't feel like I need to sleep for 2 days straight afterwards. Nice.

On another note, I've decided that I'm going to start using Spark People to log my food rather than bore any readers with every single morsel of food I put in my mouth.

Went to class last night. There was no curve on the exam this time, since the average was 78, but I still managed to pull over 100. Obviously she has extra credit built into her grading system, which is good.

When I got to class, I was anticipating the horrid heat that I experienced in the classroom on Teusday night. I stopped by the cafe and ordered an unsweetened iced tea. That was great, but then I bought a rice creispy treat to go with it. Yummy, but really not very healthy and not something that will help me reach my goal. *sigh*

At break, I went down to the snack machine room and bought a bag of cheez-its (areguable the healthiest thing in there) and a bottle of orange crush. Again, not that healthy. I did end up throwing out more than half the bag of cheezits and about half the soda. I congratulate myself for not finishing it all just because it was there. Maybe next time, I'll take a moment and realize I don't need to eat it in the first place. :-p

My new goal is to someday buy True Religion jeans. Overpriced piece of cotton, but it's a symbol of all the clothing I could never wear in the past. :)

Amazing weekend

So continuing my thoughts from this morning.

I had an absolute blast this weekend. It also meant that I paid absolutely no attention to the nutritional content of food and appreciated it for its taste alone.

Friday night was steak and mashed potatoes at a very expensive restaurant. Very good, but I did eat more than normal because, well, it was a $30 steak. How could I leave behind any portion of a $30 steak?

Saturday was a full room service breakfast, a yummy decadent ice cream cone (cookie dough flavor), godiva chocolate almond bark, nathan's hotdog and sprite, and then ocktail appetizzers at the party. Not to mention quite a bit of alcohol.

That's right, I was drunk. VERY VERY drunk. I had an absolutely fabulous time though. It's been my experience that if I get drunk early, I get to spend the rest of the night drinking water and I'm not hung over the next day. Had wings and half a burger at 2am and then went to bed. As expected, I did not wake up drunk on Sunday. Fabulous. Had a bagel (a real Jersey bagel!) as a late breakfast and then headed home.

No one wanted to cook so we went out for chinese (hence the leftover chinese food).

When I fall off the wagon I do it in a spectacular fasion.

This morning I got up late, ended up with just a Pria bar for breakfast and not-good-for-me-at-all "breakfast" of fat, fat, sure, and fatty protein from the cafeteria.

Seriously, need to get back to healthy nutritional meals. I know they make me feel better. And I skipped out on the gym last night because I was truly enjoying my evening with my dog and my computer on the back porch.

Time to get back on track? Most definitely.

Yesterday's food was a little all over the place.

Lunch:
turkey and provolone on foccacia bread with spinach and tomato
a few vegetable chips
13 oz tazzo green tea

"Snack"
leftover chinese food

Dinner:
ham and salami on white roll with lettuce, tomato, and hummus
unsalted blue corn chips

Really all over the place. Part of the blame is, I think, on the fact that I forgot my snacks and therefore was starving when I got home. Leftover chinese was 1. fast 2. easy. Well that settled it for me. I don't need any excuse to make anything when all I have to do is heat and eat.

RockStar didn't get home with any semblance of grocieries until after 9pm. That meant being hungry for 3 hours, god forbid. Really, I need to learn that hunger isn't an emergency that requires you stuff any and all available food into your mouth.

I'm not really being fair to myself though. I was hungry. I had last eaten at 1:30-1pm-ish so by 6pm I was understandable hungry. I did what most people do: grabbed what was easy and fast.

To be continued...

Breakfast:
4.25oz strawberries - 40
20g Reddiwhip - 60
1 muffin top - 100
Total: 200

New Month...thanks goodness

The past week has been rough. I had a tough weekend where I pretty much slept all weekend and got very little done. Not to mention spending most of Saturday at a relatives house.

Got very angry with someone on Tuesday and stewed about that for several days. Spent most nights/days doing tax problems in preparation for the exam last night. We'll get to find out how I did next Thursday night.

It's been tough to find time to do everything I wanted to do, and some things had to be skipped because of time.

I had no time for the gym and didn't log on to the computer very often. As you may have noticed, there are several days where I only posted 1 or 2 meals or none at all. My world will largely be back to normal as of Monday, and I hope to get back on a consistent schedule.

Notice I said Monday. Tonight, I'm getting home, throwing stuff in a bag and rushing off to Jersey. A friend is having a birthday party on Saturday night, so we're going to spend the whole weekend out there. We're eating out at a fancy (read: expensive) restaurant tonight, and I'm not going to limit myself to anything. If I'm paying for it, I'm eating it, darn it!

Saturday is, of course, the party and, if I know my friend, he'll have lots of tasty and bad for you treats.

I'll definitely be hitting the gym this weekend though. The hotel we booked has a workout room. Yay!

Dinner:
1 4oz turkey burger - 120
1 potato roll - 130
1.5 cups salad - 30
3oz seasoned potatoes - 130
1 perogie - 110
Total: 520

5oz strawberries - 50
40g special dark chocolate sauce - 90
30g Reddiwhip - 90
Total: 230

Morning snack:
1 cracker barrel cheese stick - 90

Lunch:
3.75oz BBQ chicken - 175
1/2c green beans - 30
1 small sweet potato - 60
1 tbsp I can't believe it's not butter - 80
Total: 345

Breakfast:
2 eggs - 140
1 cup almond milk - 90
1 slice wheat toast - 100
5 oz grapes - 100
Total: 430

Dinner:
3.75oz BBQ chicken - 175
1/2c green beans - 30
1 small sweet potato - 60
1 tbsp I can't believe it's not butter - 80
Total: 345

1c almond milk - 90
1 muffin top - 100
Total: 190

Daily total: 1870

Lunch:
3.75oz BBQ chicken - 175
1/2c green beans - 30
1 small sweet potato - 60
1 tbsp I can't believe it's not butter - 80
5 oz strawberries - 50
Total: 395

1 Fruitation bar - 210
8oz Tazo Brambleberry juice - 80
Total: 290

Almost back to normal

Breakfast:
2 waffles - 210
1/2 cottage cheese - 90
Reddiwhip -100
5 oz cantaloupe - 50
Total: 450

Morning snack:
1 piece cracker barrel - 90
1 pria bar - 110
Total: 200

Running behind on homework but doing better overall. More later.

Irritable and tired

Actually, the title of this post is an understatement. I'm definitely more than just irritable and tired. I'm exhausted and angry. Why? I have no idea.

I left work early on Friday because I was just tired. I held on all day and by the end of the day I couldn't face staying another 2 hours 'til end of day. I got home and slept from 3:30 to 6 when the massage person showed up. I went to bed at 11. I should have gone to bed much earlier but didn't.

I was at at 7:30 on Saturday and at the gym by 8ish. I did half an hour on the ellipital and 15 minutes of weights before I got nauseous. I headed home by 9:30 and slept from 10 'til 1. The only reason I got up was to go to a family member's house. I shouldn't have gone; I was in a misserable mood. Got home at 1am and promptly fell asleep.

Sunday was similar. Got up at 8:30 and headed to a diner for breakfast at 9:30. Got home and hour later and crawled into bed. I slept until 3:30. 4 hours I slept for. Fell asleep at midnight on Sunday.

Today, again I wake up and all I want to do is go back to sleep. I wish I knew what was causing this, because this sucks. I'm exercising, eating right, obviously getting enough sleep and yet I'm tired and grouchy.

I'm supposed to be feeling spectacular, aren't I? Damn MS.

Pre-workout:
1 Dananino - 60

Post workout:
2 eggs over easy - 140
1 slice wheat bread - 100
20 red seedless grapes - 60
Total: 360

I did go to the gym this morning. I hopped on the elliptical and realized, around the first .75 of my first mile, that I was at a pace about 10 strides higher than I normally am. I decided to do some interval stuff. I did 1 mile at high interval, 1 mile at low, .5 mile at high, .25 low, .25 high and finished out the 30 minutes at my lower speed. Man was I sweating.

I walked around the weight room to cool off some, did some lat pulls at 60lbs (which is too light for me now), some dumbbell chest presses at 15lbs, and some bicep curls at 10lbs. At that point, the nausea that had been plaguing me got too bad and I quit for the day.

I'm hoping that I'll be able to get some push-ups/sit-ups in this evening.

The workout kicked my ass though. I crawled home and slept for about an hour afterwards. I wonder, is it just the MS or does everyone feel like that after a heavy workout?

Dinner

1/4c cooked couscous - 200
2.25oz chicken - 105
2 cup spinach leaves - 15
1/2 medium tomato - 10
4tsp grated cheese - 40
Total: 370

Daily Total: 1985

Midmorning snack:
1 Pria Bar - 110
1 cracker barrel - 90
Total: 200

Lunch:
4oz Turkey burger - 170
1 potato roll - 130
3oz seasoned potatoes - 130
Total: 430

Snack:
1 Pria Bar - 110
75g Honey Nut Cheerios - 330
1 cup skim milk - 90
Total: 530

Breakfast

2 organic waffles - 210
1/2cup cottage cheese - 90
5 oz cantaloupe - 50
7 servings Reddiwhip - 105
Total: 455

Lunch:
2 cups tomato basil soup - 440
1 kaiser roll - 175
3oz roast beef - 150
1 slice white american cheese - 110
1/2 piece brownie - 150
Total: 1025

Afternoon snack:
1 fruitations bar - 190

Dinner:
4oz turkey burger - 170
1 potatoe roll - 130
1c side salad - 30
Total: 330

Daily total: 1920

A New Day

Breakfast:
5.25oz cantaloupe - 50
3/4 vitamuffin top - 75
Total: 125

Mid-morning snack:
1 pria bar - 110
1 cracker barrel cheese stick - 90
Total: 200

A little late

I've been busy trying to catch up on homework that I've neglected for several weeks so posting time has been minimized.

Seeing my total for the day I'm worried that I'm not eating enough. Over the past few days, I've noticed that I physically cannot eat as much as I was. My stomach gets full and I just don't want to eat any more. I know I have to, though, to at least make sure I'm getting the minimum calories I need for the day.

Mid morning snack:
1 Pria Bar - 110
1 cheese snack - 90
Total: 200

Lunch:
1 veggie sandwich on fancy bread - (guessing) 400

Pre-workout snack:
Balance bar - 210

Dinner:
4oz turkey burger - 170
1 potatoe roll - 130
3oz seasoned potatoes - 130
1c side salad - 30
Total: 460

Daily total: 1540

Breakfast

4oz red seedless grapes - 80
1 slice wheat toast - 100
10g chunky peanut butter - 65
1 bite of muffintop - 25
Total: 270

Dinner

Afternoon snack:
1 cookie dough balance car - 200

Pre-class snack:
1 starbucks vanilla frappacinno - 200
2 heath cookies - 300 (total estimate!)
Total: 500

Dinner:
1 slice wheat toast - 100
2oz brisket - 200
1oz tortilla chips - 130
Total: 430

Daily total: 1950

Lunch

2 cups mixxed salad - 60
4oz beef brisket - 300
Total: 360

Midmorning snack:
1 Pria Bar - 110
1 Cracker Barrel cheese snack - 90
Total: 200

Discipline and exaggeration

My alarm clock was set to 5:30 again today. When I went to bed last night I was still undecided as to whether I would go to th gym or not. Today is a long day. I won't be home until 9:30 tonight so getting a nap in will be impossible if I need it.

I've been told by my doctor, nurse, therapist, family, etc that I shouldn't over do things. That I shouldn't stress myself out and expect too much. So I started thinking this morning (at 5 when my bladder woke me up), should I really be going to the gym at 5:30am 5 days a week right now? I was so tired yesterday that I ended up napping on the couch. Maybe, at least until classes are out, I should leave the 5:30am gym trips to the days I can be home at a reasonable hour.

So that's what I've decided. I will hit the gym in the AM on Saturday, Sunday, Monday, Wednesday, and Friday.

Breakfast:
1 vitamuffin top - 100
5oz cantaloupe - 50
scrambled eggs - 110
Total: 260

Pretty eyes

Had my eyebrows done this evening. I almost didn't because I missed the artist by about 5 minutes. I had to turn around after I got home because she had arrived about 5 minutes after I left her house.

RockStar loves my eyes. He thought I was wearing makeup when I first got home. $35 well spent.

Dinner:
1 slice whole wheat bread - 100
2oz brisket - 200
1 cracker barrel cheese slice - 90
1oz tortilla chips- 130
3.75oz chocolate cake - 400
1/2c skim milk - 45
total: 875

Daily Total: 1965

Afternoon

Afternoon snack:
1 chocolate balance bar - 200

I was so tired this afternoon. I ended up falling asleep and taking a mininap on the couch at work. Not something I generally do but OMG was I tired. I feel much better now though. I definitely needed it.

I am, however, quite hungry. Boo.

I have my appointment with my eyebrow lady afterwork. Yay.

Lunch

3 cups salad - 60
4 oz steak/brisket - 300
Total: 360

Another Monday

So this morning I thought I'd be productive and set my alarm for 5:30am. Oh what was I thinking? That this would be a good thing?

My alarm went off and I dragged myself out of bed. I didn't sleep well all night because I think I was worried that I might sleep through my alarm clock.

I had my little baby, calcium infused, yogurt, collected my stuff and headed to the gym about 5:50. The dog didn't even stir. Apparently, a walk before the sun is up is not on her list of beloved activities either.

I got to the gym with the intention of doing 30 minutes on the elliptical and 30 minutes of lower body strength. I slogged through 30 minutes on the elliptical, dripped sweat all over, and really hated the burning in my legs. I did a 3 minute cooldown and took a long sip of water. That's when it set in, nausea.

It was, OMG I'm going to throw up right now nausea. I figured this was a good time to cool down further, listen to your body and all that. I went down to the weight room and walked 2 slow circles waiting for the feeling to go away. It didn't. At this point, 6:40, I decided that I shouldn't push myself (cause that's what everyone says I should watch). I decided to go home instead.

I left the gym feeling slighty dizzy. I made it home and showedered, had breakfast, and then took a 15 minute nap before leaving for work. Isn't working out supposed to give you energy not deplete it?

Pre-workout:
Danino - 60
Post-workout:
2/3 cup cottage cheese - 70
1 waffle - 110
5oz sliced strawberries - 60
20g Reddiwhip - 60
Total: 360

Morning snack:
1 Polly-o cheese - 60
1 Pria bar - 110
Total: 170

Dinner

Dinner:
2 cups mixed salad - 60
4oz corned beef brisket - 250
3.75 oz chocolate cake - 400
1 cup skim milk - 100
Total: 810

Daily Total: 1670

Afternoon

I've spent all day doing art homework. I can't stand drawing anymore.

Afternoon snack:
1 Pria Bar - 110

Late lunch:
3/4 gnocchi - 400
2 tsp grated cheese - 20
Total: 420

No sleeping in for me...

I set my alarm clock for 6:30 this morning and slogged out of bed about 10 minutes later. Walked around for about half an hour collecting various items needed for gym this morning. Realized that I didn't take the tags of my spiffy new gym bag and lock, so I set out doing that.

I even had my little kid yogurt this morning then walked the dog. She followed me around for about 15 minutes, staring holes into me until I finally walked her. Finally left the house about 7:20 and got to the gym about 7:30.

Hopped on the elliptical first. OMG did it hurt. I know I haven't been to the gym since Monday, but I didn't expect it to hurt so much. Not even 10 minutes in, I was wishing to jump off. I didn't think I'd be able to do it, but I got through and did 30 minutes and 3.22 miles. (I don't know that I believe that mileage but, whatever.)

I then took a 10 minute break before I hit the weights. I know that technically, I should keep my heart rate up, but the home health nurse suggested I take a break in between to let my body cool down so I don't over do it too much. I walked around the weight room slowly rather than just stop altogether.

My workout today included all upper body/core:
3 setx10 lat pulldown @60lb
3 set x12 dumbbell flys @10lb
3 set x12 dumbbell presses @10
3 set x12 dumbbell shoulder press @5lb
3 set x12 dumbbell front arm lift @8lb
15 situps
10 half pushups
25 crunches on balance ball

Breakfast:
Pre-workout
Dananino - 60
Post workout
1 vitamuffin top - 100
4 oz red seedless grapes - 80
1 cup skim milk - 90
Total: 330

Dinner time

Dinner:
1.5 cups tossed salad - 40
1c gnocchi - 600
5tsp grated cheese - 50
1c skim milk - 90
3.75oz chocolate cake - 500
Total: 1280

Daily total: 1895

1 week down

I just realized that my week long goal of healthy breakfasts has been achieved. Several things I've leaned:

1. I like cottage cheese as long as it has whipped cream on it

2. I need to find some variety for breakfast so I don't get bored

3. I can eat a healthy breakfast without sweating it

Next goal, add a healthy lunch every day for 1 week.

Lunch:
2c salad with mixed veggies - 40
2oz steak (left over form last night) - 150
.5oz grated mozzarella cheese - 30
1 chedder bay biscuit (mmmm mmm good) - 150
Total: 370

Waiting...

Here I am sitting around for the phone to ring so I can curse at it. I hate being on call. I feel like I can't really get into anything because the moment I do, the phone will ring and it'll be a waste.

So instead I've taken to reading the early entries of several of the blogs I've started to follow. Bleh.

Breakfast:

1 vitamuffin top Deep Dark Chocolate (or some such) - 100

5 oz red seedless grapes - 100

1/2 cup milk - 45

Total: 245

Ahhh Steroids

My nurse was sitting in his car waiting for me when I got home. At 6pm on the dot, he rang my doorbell. Since I had gotten home about 15 minutes earlier, I had time to clear off a spot on the coffee table (don't even get me started about the mess) and set up my supplies and wax paper and such. I even straightened up the kitchen a tad.

He went straight for the AC in my right arm (the vein in the bed of your elbow). It's my best vein but not generally the one you want to use because I end up with very limited movement in that arm. (I can't bend it while the IV is in). It doesn't matter so much for an hour or so once a month, but it becomes a problem when I get a round of 5 days, especially since I'm righty.

My plan had been to go the gym after the IV in order to burn off the energy I get from the drug, but RockStar got home 1 hour late from work and we decided to go out to dinner. (BTW, I decided to rename hubby "RockStar" because he just is one, and "hubby" is so boring.)

I was going to make my free meal today, until I realized that I was on call. Totally forgot about that. So we ended up going to a seafood place last night because that's what I was in the mood for.

I've discovered I don't/can't eat a lot anymore.

In the past we would order an appetizer, the meal and dessert. In general I would finish all that plus 2-3 drinks of some sort. I have no idea how many calories, but I'm sure it was scary.

While what we ate last night wouldn't be on any dietitian's menu, it was very tasty and satisfied all my cravings for the week. No stress, no anxiety about not being able to eat what I wanted - but in the end I still ate less than I would have in the past - go me! (BTW, breaded and deep fried vegetable do not count towards your daily serving of vegetable, in case anyone was wondering).

Dinner (free meal)

The following I totally ate:

2 cheddar cheese biscuits - 300

1 serving fried clam strips - 370

8 garlic grilled jumbo shrimp - 370

1 garden salad sans croutons

The following I had a taste of - meaning one bite/sip:

Sam Adam's Pilsner

Steak - no idea what cut is was, but I literally cut off a small piece just for a taste to decide whether to bring it home

2 bites of Lobster tail dipped in butter

*I've never had lobster and wanted to try something new - decided I didn't like lobster

2 pieces of over-steamed broccoli

2 glasses of unsweetened ice tea

We weren't up for the dessert at the place (at least, RockStar wasn't, which led me to decided eventually to not order anything), so we went to the local supermarket and picked up some items. It took a LOT longer than it had to because I was high on steroids and ended up "browsing" and bopping around the store talking waaay too fast. I'm not sure why RockStar was so patient with me but I'm glad he was.

I eventually picked out a mini chocolate cake, of which I ate 1/4 of with a glass of skim milk and he picked out fixings for a smoothie.

In all a good evening. I have no idea what my total calories were for this meal, but if I had to estimate I'd go for 1500? 1800? 2000? Oh so yummy though.

Lunch

Lunch:
3/4 cup gnocchi leftover - 400
1 tsp grated cheese - 20
1 cup mixed veggie salad w/o dressing - 30
8 oz crystal light - 5
Total: 455

Afternoon snack:
1 Pria bar - 110

Steroid day!

So this evening the home health nurse will show up to stick a needle in my arm and start my infusion of Solumedrol. Let me explain.

Late last year I started noticing a trend. After each treatment of steroids for relapse last year, my energy started to diminish about 3-4 weeks after I finished the oral taper and would decrease over a period of 2-4 months when I would end up in a relapse again. I do take my Copaxone every day (mostly) but that didn't seem to be cutting it. The next option of drug for me had side effects that I wasn't willing to risk, so steroids became the next best thing. For about 6 months now I've been on what is known as pulse steroids, 1 high dose IV per month.

The idea is that it will keep my immune system suppressed and thus have less of an opportunity for a relapse. In theory.

In reality, I still work at a physically demanding job, still go to school 2 nights a week and am taking 9 credits this semester. I still have to take call and I still have trouble sleeping. So, in effect I have not reduced the stress in my life one whit, and frankly I don't think that the pulse steroids do much except increase my energy level - which of course is something.

There also tends to be a trend that the first few days of my period result in a temporary increase in my symptoms. The deep achy pain returns in my legs, the weakness in my left leg becomes noticeable, my legs become stiff and seem like foreign beings that move only when they deem necessary, and fatigue becomes unbearable.

The neuro I see say that core temp goes up slightly when women menstruate and that I'm probably susceptible to that increased temp. *shrug*

I talked over my issue with a gynecologist who suggested I take birth control year round without skipping a week for a placebo. That's what I've been doing since late last year.

At the beginning of this week I realized that I forgot to renew my birth control and I ended up missing one for 12 hours. In those 12 hours, my body was able to start menstruating and putting the rest of me in the crapper.

Now, knowing that this was a possibility anyway, I scheduled the nurse for today. I figured that if I was going to have symptoms, steroids the same week would take care of them. They have in the past.

Frankly though, I'm tired of this. I don't want to be a pin cushion anymore. Maybe the steroids are causing more harm than good. I'll have to discuss this with him when I see him in May.

Breakfast:
2 Eggo waffles - 170
1/2 low fat cottage cheese - 90
1/2 peaches - 80
20 g Reddiwhip - 60
Total: 400

Midmorning:
1 Polly-O cheese - 60
1 Pria bar - 110
Total: 170

Evening time

I got home from school last night and was greeted with one of my favorite foods. Gnocchi with meat sauce. I was very excited. Then I was not so excited to see there was no side salad. Gnocchi is a very heavy potato pasta that, along with meat sauce, packs quite a punch in the calorie department.

My loving husband counted calories in everything and determined that one serving of 3/4c is about 400 calories. Awesome, except 3/4 cup of anything isn't very much. I ended up with one serving of pasta and then a couple slices of bread. meh.

3/4 c Gnocchi - 400
2 slices wheat toast - 200
2 tbsp Nutella - 200
1 cup skim milk - 100
Total: 900

Daily Total: 1890

Afternoon snack

Snack:

2 oz of deli turkey - 60

1 oz pita chips - 130

1 cup red seedless grapes -90

Total: 280

I should probably mention that 8 oz of water is a given in any and every meal. I don't drink anything else.

Awake again

So I'm awake again and feeling much better. A 3 hour nap will do that sometimes. I still have an annoying pain-ish type thing going on with my right eye. Not exactly pain, but not comfortable either. My walking has gotten better though and the chest tightness that had been threatening earlier, isn't there anymore. So overall, better but I'm still camping out on the couch.

I really do hate that I had to miss work today. I was hoping for working an entire month without missing a day, bleh.

Breakfast (before I went back to bed this morning):

1.5 cup Honey Nut Cheerios - 220

1 cup skim milk - 90

Total: 310

Much sleep so no midmorning snack.

Lunch:

2 Eggo Waffles - 170

1/2 cup low fat cottage cheese - 90

1/2 peaches - 80

20g Reddiwhip - 60

Total: 400

Maybe another nap time?

I'm stubborn

So I had full intentions of going to work today. Despite the fact that I was exhausted yesterday and needing a serious nap (probably a good 4-6 hour one). Until I left work and realized just how tired I really was. I napped on and off the on the couch last night. My intention of doing hours of homework never materialized and instead I went to bed early. I was out as soon as my head hit the pillow.

Gosh, I hate this disease. Last week I felt normal. I had normal tiredness. For those new to MS, normal tiredness is what I used to feel years ago before symptoms started cropping up. It's a tired that you acknowledge, but can wait until the end of the day to be taken care of. Maybe you go to bed a little early, but it doesn't keep you from enjoying the day. Your eyes don't hurt and you don't get headaches and other parts of your body don't rebel and start to hurt for no apparent reason. Normal tiredness.

I did go to bed early last night, but 10 hours of sleep doesn't seem to have totally fixed the problem because I woke up with a headache, painful legs, and some issues walking. Very mild compared to what it should be, but still not something that should be ignored.

Time to stretch out and cuddle with the dog.

Dinner

Dinner:

1 cup pasta and veggies - 400

3 tsp parmesan cheese - 40

1 slice irish soda bread - 170

1/2 cup dole peaches - 80

15g Reddiwhip - 45

Total: 735

Daily total: 2010

I'm tired. I'm going to bed.

Lunch Time

I'm exhausted. I don't think I've gotten enough rest lately, especially since I had to work 7 hours on Saturday. I did ask to go home early but when they asked me if I'm sick, I refused to say yes. Denial is a wonderful thing. (For now)

Lunch:
pasta and veggie salad - 400
1 hotdog with mustard - 325 (totally guessing here)
Total: 725

Mid morning

I really need to come up with some more creative post titles. They're boring me, so they can't possibly be interesting to other people.

Mid morning snack:
1 polly-o string cheese - 60
1 Pria bar - 110
Total: 170

Time Stopper

I slept through DH's alarm clock this morning and through mine as well. Since I'm normally an extremely light sleeper, that means I'm very tired and possibly doing too much. I frequently do too much and it's a learning process trying to balance rest and my desire for activity.

Yesterday I was up at 6:15. Out of the house by 8:15am and home by 9:30pm. I spent some time with DH and ended up in bed by 11pm, an hour later than I had wanted. It's hard to get home, eat dinner and plop in bed, all within 30 minutes of getting home.

Today is another tough day. I intended to be up at 6:30 but ended up oversleeping so I wasn't up 'til 7. I'll leave the house about 8. I have a therapist appointment at 6 and then I'd like to go to the gym. I also have tax and art homework to do. All this before I head to bed at 10pm. Frankly, that's just not realistic. I need that time stopper clock that Hermione had.

Breakfast:

2 whole grain waffles - 170

1/2 low fat cottage cheese - 90

1 cup sliced strawberries - 60

20 oz Reddiwhip - 60

Total: 380

Dinner

I'm guestimating on dinner since I don't actually have a calorie count. I'm overestimating to be on the safe side.

Pre-class wake me up:

1 Vanilla frappacino - 200

Dinner:

1.5 whole wheat pasta with chicken strips and red/green pepper strips - 450

4 tsp grated Parmesan cheese - 40

1 slice wheat toast - 100

2 tbsp Nutella - 200

1 cup skim milk - 90

Total: 880

Daily total: 2065

Hungry

Mmmmm. Hungry.

Actually, I think I have a problem with acid reflux. It's not terrible but I do feel a mild burning sensation that I sometimes confuse with hunger. Should probably take care of that but I don't want to take any more drugs.

Anyway.

1 Pria Bar - 110

Lunch time!

Lunch today was leftovers from yesterday so unfortunately it was the same as yesterday. Very filling but I hope that we have something interesting for dinner tonight.

Lunch today:
3oz chicken breast, skinless - 150
1 cup steamed broccoli - 50
1/2 medium bake sweet potato - 75
Lunch total: 275

Afternoon snack:
1 Soup in hand chicken noodle - 80
4 saltines - 50
Total: 130

I think I'll be having a starbucks frappacino - ya know, those that come in the little glass bottles. I normally have a coffee with lots of milk and sugar to get me through classs but goodness knows how many calories that has.

I'm taking the approach that nothing is off limits to me because I'm not on a diet. I'm eating and living. Amazingly, this takes the desire/anxiety about eating certain foods completelyout of the equation. My thinking is very different when I tell myself I can't have something versus knowing that I can have something, but that it may not work towards my goal. No food is good or bad, and eating certain foods does not make me a bad or good person. Certain foods get me closer to my goal, others don't. Period.

I wouldn't try to go through a semester without ever studying, but at times I slack off a tad. Eventually, I make it up by buckling down and studying my little heart out. I've decided to view my eating the same way. I don't have to be perfect, I just have to be reasonable in my actions. I can eat cake every day. No one and nothing will stop me from doing it if I wanted to, but I also know that if I did that I wouldn't be healthy or in shape or be able to kick ass. All things I really want to be. So, cake is good but it doesn't work for my goal. And that's the important part to remember.

A new day

Breakfast:
1/2 cup low fat cottage cheese - 90
2 whole grain waffles - 170
1 cup sliced strawberries - 60
20 g Reddiwhip - 60
Breakfast total: 380

Apparenlty I was under estimating the waffles by 30 calories. Opps. ;-P

Morning snack:
1 Pria bar - 110

It's important that I don't under eat because I realize that undereating will cause hunger and eventually cause me to over eat. How many calories a day I should be eating is difficult to asses.

I could randomly pick 1600 or 1800, but I hate random. Some formulas recommend using 8-12 multiplied by your current weight in order to get the appropriate caloric intake. Sticking to the lower end of that scale for serious weight loss. If that were the case I should be eating approximately 2016 calories per day. The high side of that scale is 3024 calories which seems extreme but I'm sure I met and surpassed that intake on many days or I wouldn't have gained this weight in the first place. Thanks mindless eating!

I'm going to try maintaing an intake of between 1800-2200 calories per day plus the exercise. I'll keep tabs of my weight for 2-3 weeks and see how I do. Obviously, as I lose weight I'm going ot have to adjust this scale for the shrinking me.

Dinner

Dinner:
3 oz chicken breast - 160 1/2 cup broccoli - 30
1 small sweet potato - 60
1 tbsp I Can't Believe It's Not Butter - 50
1.5 perogies (stolen from DH's plate) - 90

Total: 390


Dessert:
2 slices wheat toast - 200
2 cups skim milk - 180
4 tbsp Nutella - 400
Total: 780


Daily total: 2155


I admit, over did it on the dessert. But let's remember, the focus of this week is breakfast. That's being the case, I had a very successful day.

It's about performance not the weight

Headed to the gym this evening with my workout buddy. I managed 3 miles (in 30 minutes) on the elliptical and about 30 minutes of weight lifting and various calisthenics. 23 full situps in 1 minute with minimal weighing down of my feet and 15 half (girlie) push ups. I'm going to try to improve these numbers as the months go on.

Last year, after a grueling boot camp at the local community center I was able to do 10 full regular push ups. I don't recommend going from couch potato to boot camp though. It was pure hell for many weeks even if it did produce results.

On another note, I currently weigh a solid 252 pounds. Probably my heaviest ever. And to think I thought I'd die if I ever weighed more than 200 pounds. Here I am still breathing (and panting my way up flights of stairs).

I suppose Mondays can be my weigh in day.

Pre-gym/after work snack:

1 Pria bar - 110

2oz deli turkey slices - 60

1 bite of granola bar - 30

Total: 200

Lunch!

Lunch today:
3oz chicken breast, skinless - 150
1 cup steamed broccoli - 50
1/2 medium bake sweet potato - 75
1 red velvet yogurt - 100
Lunch total: 375

I will admit that I added salt to everything, but my pressure isn't an issue so I'm not terribly worried. It was tasty and I'm satisfied without being overly full.

So I made a proposal to the spouse last night. I proposed that we have a friendly competition. Starting today we'll have our own little weight loss competition. We'll weigh in this evening, and whoever has the largest weight loss percentage will win the prize they picked. I think I want my prize to be my own ipod. We currently have one we share between the two of us and it really gets to be a pain sometimes. He hasn't picked his prize yet.

I'm a very competative person. This should be very interesting.

Breakfast:
2 whole grain waffles - 140
1/2 cup small curd low fat cottage cheese - 90
1 cup cubed cantaloupe - 60
20oz reddiwhip topping - 60
Total = 350 + multivitamin and calcium

Morning snack:
1 polly-o string cheese - 60

More later

One change at a time

We humans tend to be resistant to change. We shuffle along in our daily lives and curse anything that isn't like it was yesterday. New boss, new food, new roads can all cause us unneeded anxiety and worry. (Unless you're in the minority of people that embrace change, which I'm not.)

What's the first thing we do when we decide to go on a diet? Tomorrow I will eat 1600 calories and not a calorie more! No more cookies, cakes, or twinkies! I'll eat perfectly healthy! Except, invariably, we tend to fail. If not the first day then probably a few days in we'll be tempted by some morsel of food that doesn't fall into our plan. Since we had a bite or slice of chocolate cake, we may as well down half of it right?

It's not completely our fault. Hormones play a big role in our appetite and hunger. Check out this link from one of my favorites sites if you don't believe me. The unfortunate part is that we set ourselves for this to happen. We expect eating perfection from ourselves, which has no basis in reality. No one is perfect and changing everything about our eating in, literally, 24 hours is just not reasonable or rational.

A concert pianist didn't start playing Beethoven until after learning and practicing the basics of piano playing.

This being the case, I've decided to change my eating habits gradually. This week I'm going to focus on breakfast. The most important meal of the day. I'm going to focus on a balanced, well-rounded, and healthy breakfast this week. Next week we'll tackle lunch.

Practice makes perfect.

Starting Over...for the last time

I'm like so many people out there. I have a weight problem. I guess calling it a "problem" is probably understating it a little. I've been obese since I can remember. I was on my first diet at age 6 and wearing at women's size 12 (a little tight in the thighs) at age 12. The running joke growing up was that if food was missing SarahJane ate it. That become a self-fulfilling prophecy for me. If food was around I ate it. If food wasn't around I went searching for it. While all the other kids played hide-and-seek at birthday parties, I went searching and stayed within reach of the rice crispy treats. As time went on, I felt further and further alienated from the average person and closer and and closer to my long-time friend, food.

Like most people I've tried most diets out there. Weight watchers worked great. I lost 20 pounds and couldn't wait to get back to eating "normally". (Gained 30 back after I left, btw). The grapefruit diet lasted 1 day and NutriSystem was great for 2 weeks, until I got tired of eating re-hydrated cardboard. In the extreme, I even wished I was anorexic (not something I would wish on anyone, but just goes to show how desperate I was).

I've dieted and failed many many times in my life and for the past few years I had come to accept that I would always be fat. I'm big-boned. I like to eat. I'm addicted to food. I was born to be fat.

Yet none of those things are actually true.

I've always prided myself on being in control of my life. I've accomplished amazing things. I've always turned roadblocks into opportunities and forged ahead through them, yet my weight is something that has weighed (forgive the pun) on me for decades. Until now.

I've finally come to the realization that food isn't my friend. It never was. I see now that if I'm going to lose weight and keep it off I have to change my way of thinking about food. In order to do this I've taken some extreme (for me) measures. I'm seeing a therapist to change my relationship with food and to reprogram my thoughts, I found a workout partner and joined a gym close by, and I hired a trainer. I'm serious this time. I'm ready to change. I'm ready to leave this so called "friend" behind and use food for what it's intended: to fuel my body so that I can enjoy life.

I'm going to blog my meals, my accomplishments (whether they be food related or workout related), and generally anything related to this journey. This is my accountability.

I'm starting over...for the last time.